Sometimes I have what I like to call ‘dark days.’ Days where I bleakly look all around and whisper, “Is this all there is? Is this my life?” Days where Satan’s lies speak louder than any life-giving words from our God. Days where it literally feels like I am shouting my petitions to God and they maddeningly come echoing back to me, bouncing off an impenetrable metal expanse. Days where all around me is crumbling and it is arduous to even take one step forward. Days where I believe that I am utterly alone, abandoned by God. Dark Days. Can you relate? Do you feel as if there is some invisible ceiling that veils your words from God’s ear? As if He can’t hear you…or won’t hear you? As the months stretch into years of infertility, the dark days can multiply. The lie that God does not care for me feels like reality as my womb remains empty. For many years I hid my dark thoughts, fearful that naming them would brand me with the title of “failure” or “unfaithful Christian.” Good Christian’s aren’t supposed to doubt or question God, right? “All His ways are right”, so I just need to believe, smile and continue acting like all is well. But bottling up those doubts, pain, and anger festered within me, eventually leading to a break with God. Never once did I consider telling someone around me that I was struggling. Never once did I think about sharing with God how I actually felt about Him. It felt easier to pretend as if all was well, that I could continue to state that He was good, even though I was crumbling within. Never did I consider that telling Him exactly what I thought of Him would lead to a deeper relationship with Him. That honesty would lead to real faith. But it did. And it can for you. We must take our pain to Him. Our anger, our grief, our despair and name it out loud. We are hiding it from no one. Not from ourselves, not from Him. He already knows our heart and pushing it down does nothing to resolve it. Eventually it will come exploding out. So bring it to Him, tell Him all you are feeling. Accept the truth of your doubt, fear, and anger toward Him – name it and lay it at His feet. And let Him work within you. (I talk more about this in another post: Turning our despair into an act of faith.) Gradually I stopped calling God mean. I stopped boxing Him in, based on my experience of three miscarriages and a round of ineffective fertility treatments. I asked for His help to crawl out of the pit that encompassed me, pleading with Him to not leave me where I was, and I clung to the truths that Scripture declared about Him. Deep down I knew that I couldn’t define Him through the filter of my continued infertility. So I cried out to Him in my pain and anger, and went back to His Word to remind myself of His fuller character. Song of Solomon became my mainstay – my life-line, as it reminded me that I was Beloved. That I was His treasured possession. That He delighted in me. Words that were the exact opposite of my experience with infertility. But words that were true, regardless of how I felt. If you are struggling to maintain your faith with God, don’t condemn yourself. But don’t close yourself off either. Find a trusted, wise woman of faith to confide in and immerse yourself in Scripture. Speak your words of anger and pain to the face of our God and remind you of His love for you in His Word. Words of the Bridegroom to His Bride (of God, to you): “O my dove, in the clefts of the rock, in the crannies of the cliff, let me see your face, let me hear your voice, for your voice is sweet and your face is lovely.” Song of Solomon 2:14
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AuthorHi! I'm Brooke. Welcome to Sing O Barren One! I began this blog after years of unexplained infertility that resulted in five years of trying, four miscarriages, one daughter, and continued secondary infertility. While in seminary, I dove into scripture to help me make sense of my pain and struggle. What type of God would allow this? What I found there changed who I was, how I perceived my struggle, and most importantly my view of God. I wrote this blog as an outpouring of my grief and to joyfully share all that God has taught me. Archives
October 2020
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