Anxiety. Mine has gone through the roof during the Covid crisis. With our primary income deriving from music lessons, I mentally spiraled out of control, assuming and expecting the worst. Without steady income, people rarely continue to pour money into their hobbies and I feared my husband's students would drop their monthly lessons. And now as Colorado and other states gradually reopen, we're facing the unknown of heading back out into the world together. Anxiety can attack from every angle. This experience reminded me of my time at the fertility doctor. A time when anxiety became a daily occurrence. Fertility doctors (I've had three!) tend to make promises that they cannot keep, for example, telling you that with their help they see no reason you cannot conceive a child. When you are in a state of desperation and someone offers you your dream, you believe every single word that comes out of their mouth. But as I began the monthly routine of jumping through the hoops, one hoop failed, then another. My hope diminished with each failed attempt and was then tainted with fear. With reality. With distress. The worst part though was the two week wait after each procedure. Transforming my hope into an emotional yoyo string. Each twinge, each change in my body, was a sign to be interpreted. Is this a good twinge? One that will give me all I hope for? Or is this a twinge meaning all hope is lost... again? Or, better yet, is this just gas? There was so much that I could not control during my time at the fertility clinic, but hardest of all was discovering that I could not control my mind. My thoughts would go into overdrive with a litany of “What if's” that defied repression. What if I can never have a biological child? What if something is truly wrong with my body? What if I was pregnant, but that drink/food/exercise (fill in the blank) caused me to lose the baby? Which is torture because “What if's” have no answer. They will forever and always be hypothetical. They offer no answer and thus no help. Yet I cannot shut them off. By the end of the two weeks I am a stressed out, anxiety-ridden mess. Which I am aware is harmful for my body while I'm trying to conceive, which then causes me more stress and fear, leading me deeper into the endless cycle of anxiety. Is there any hope to live differently? Any hope to live with peace? I turned to Philippians, the “joy” book, as there are 16 references to joy and rejoicing within it's pages alone. Philippians also contains one of the go-to verses on anxiety. Philippians 4:4-7 Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. 5 Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; 6 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. The first six words in verse six stun me. Do not be anxious about anything. Really? No anxiety at all? That seems impossible. The Greek word for anxious here is merimnao, translated as “to be anxious or careful.” This word has predominately been translated as anxious since we no longer use careful in the same way. (KJV uses careful) But I love looking at this other definition: Careful. To be careful means to be full of care or caring too much. (MacLaren Expositions) I think this perfectly describes anxiety. Being so weighed down with fears, unknowns, unanswered questions, circumstances out of our control. So full of care for friends, family, our job, our future, etc, that you can't even think straight. Or remember the Good God in control of it all. And what is the suggested antidote sanctioned by Paul? But in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.(vs.6) Prayer. It sounds too simplistic doesn't it? I literally wrote in my notes while studying this passage, “If anxious, pray. (...this seems too simple...)” My doubt rises in response to such simplicity. Prayer?! Yet this verse must connect to the words prior to it at the end of verse 5: The Lord is at hand. Or in other words: The Lord is near! We do not have a God who is enthroned in heaven looking down at us piously, unwilling to intervene in our petty lives. No. We have a God who is near to us and desires to hear our every request and supplication. He desires to know us, to listen to us, and understands what we experience in anxiety. (Consider Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane.) And He wants us to be near to Him as well. Which is what prayer is. A connection, a relationship with another. Prayer pulls my eyes away from my overwhelming cares and reminds me I'm not alone with them. That everything does not depend solely upon me. I do not presume to have the cure-all for anxiety. But in my deepest times of anxiety and fear, I needed some “helps” to answer the incessant “What If's” and fears that plagued me. I needed something to help me remember the truth. Here is a list of ideas that I gathered:
Experiencing anxiety doesn't necessarily mean that you are sinful or are turning away from God. One of my dearest friends struggles daily with chronic anxiety and it is often during her most acute bouts with anxiety that she experiences God most powerfully. He is near, yet her anxiety rages on. I love that she reaches out to Him in the midst of it. Her wise words remind me that sometimes “God gives us JOY in our ANXIETY, not INSTEAD of it.” I can't promise that all your anxiety will disappear if you incorporate any of these options into your life, but I do believe that our anxiety can blind us to the God who is near. It can overwhelm us so that all we feel is fear; believing in the negative only. Whether you are going through fertility treatments or have allowed a fear in your life to speak louder than our God, you do have a choice to turn toward Him, rejoicing in Him. And I pray that as you do this, the fear and the “What if's” will quiet, giving you peace and joy, regardless of your circumstances.
2 Comments
Beth
5/29/2020 02:32:52 pm
This was beautiful written, and very timely! Thank you, Brooke, for sharing your heart, and helping remind me of how I can give my anxiety to God!
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11/5/2022 05:34:15 pm
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AuthorHi! I'm Brooke. Welcome to Sing O Barren One! I began this blog after years of unexplained infertility that resulted in five years of trying, four miscarriages, one daughter, and continued secondary infertility. While in seminary, I dove into scripture to help me make sense of my pain and struggle. What type of God would allow this? What I found there changed who I was, how I perceived my struggle, and most importantly my view of God. I wrote this blog as an outpouring of my grief and to joyfully share all that God has taught me. Archives
October 2020
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