“Christ isn’t asking us to believe in our ability to exercise unwavering faith. He is asking us to believe that He is able.” (Beth Moore, Praying God's word Day by Day) This opening quote to my devotional one morning was intended to encourage and give freedom. But all I felt was anger. This was of course coming off of another negative result from the fertility doctor. Everything during preparations and treatment indicated that a pregnancy would result. But nothing. And to make matters worse, I felt completely exhausted all week, which I took to mean that I was pregnant! I, of course, know that exhaustion can come from so many sources, but my hope ‘meter’ had gone up several notches. I expected a meltdown when I heard the news, but I remained rather calm. Maybe numb is the better word. The trouble for me in this quote is that I do believe that God is able. I have wrestled with faith. I know my faith or faithlessness will not persuade God. So, I think I have been erring on the side of ‘believing He is able.’ Doesn’t that sound so faithful? “God I know you can do it!” “I trust you Lord!” “I believe; help my unbelief!” And yet, no baby. I was angry. But I think I know why. As I sat and read this quote in my quiet time, I realized I had been manipulating God… again. “If I just believe that God is able, a baby will come.” I can’t seem to escape my conniving, my believing anything just so that I can be blessed with a child. I sound like an addict. But the truth is I had created some standard in my own head – a standard of what it would take for me to prove to God that I was ready to become pregnant. And when God didn’t fulfill His side of the bargain, I lashed out in anger. I apparently forgot that there was really only a bargain with myself. God wasn’t involved. He never signed a contract. (Man, I wish He would sign a contract.) Then at least I could pin Him down! Hold Him to what He has promised. But He has not promised me a child. He is not at fault here. I am. I am the maker of my anger and hurt. God has not failed me. But what does it mean that He is able? Is He able only if He gives me a child? I realize now that that is an incredibly narrow definition of His ability. It opens the door for my anger. But that's how it seems to work sometimes. All I can see is what I want, nothing else matters. My focus is so narrow that, when I don't receive what I have asked and prayed for, my first assumption is that God has failed me or is unable. What if there was more to His ability? I am reminded again of the hymn How Firm a Foundation. Last week I talked about the promises of God found in those life-giving verses, but the third and fourth verses in particular have always resonated with me. “When through the deep waters I call you to go, the rivers of sorrow shall not overflow; for I will be with you, your troubles to bless, and sanctify to you your deepest distress. “When through fiery trials your pathway shall lie, my grace, all-sufficient, shall be your supply; the flame shall not hurt you; I only design your dross to consume and your gold to refine. Based on Isaiah 43, these verses give me such hope and call me out of my self-focus. We will all suffer in this life; there is no way around it. And at times even God Himself calls us into deep waters. But these verses proclaim God's presence, power, and purpose within the midst of hardship. That is not inability on His part; it's just not my definition of His ability. These verses remind us that we may not receive all that we pray and hope for. What they do promise is that our sufferings will transform us, that through our Savior our troubles will turn to blessings, that we will be sanctified through our deepest distress. When we walk through fire it is not to cause pain, but to refine and shape us into His image. The fact that God has not given me a baby does not mean He is unable, it means He is working on me in ways that I may not even see. That I am being molded by Him, lovingly shaped, removing what hinders me from seeing Him alone. And at heart, I think that is what these verses bring out with regard to our suffering: I am reminded of who He is. I am reminded that God is able, but may be so in ways that I didn't originally see. I will continue to pray for my heart's desire, but I will also pray that God will open my eyes to seeing Him work within me, giving me a deeper understanding of His ability.
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AuthorHi! I'm Brooke. Welcome to Sing O Barren One! I began this blog after years of unexplained infertility that resulted in five years of trying, four miscarriages, one daughter, and continued secondary infertility. While in seminary, I dove into scripture to help me make sense of my pain and struggle. What type of God would allow this? What I found there changed who I was, how I perceived my struggle, and most importantly my view of God. I wrote this blog as an outpouring of my grief and to joyfully share all that God has taught me. Archives
October 2020
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