By Ashley Ward | ashleywardcoaching.com “It just…feels like I’m drowning.” I’ve said this, even though I’ve never actually experienced drowning, or anything close to it. This phrase for me is mere hyperbole; a way to try to explain the overwhelm, the desperation, the ache, the despair. I don’t know exactly how to explain what it feels like to be crushed by grief, to lose someone suddenly, to have my faith shaken, to face memories I would rather forget, to miscarry a baby, to watch my marriage crumble to pieces, to battle anxiety on a daily basis. But you know what I mean, right? You’ve felt it. You’ve lived it. One of my favorite stories in the bible is a woman who felt and lived it, too. Hagar was seemingly a minor biblical character; a slave; really more of a pawn in the story of Sarah and Abraham. She was used for her body; for her fertility, for the story Sarah wanted to write for herself instead of waiting. She was mistreated, and she was afraid. So, alone and pregnant, she flees. And in the desert, alone, she meets God. This would be an excellent time for God to save her. Provide shelter, water, a fresh start — maybe a new family and a new home? Hagar is weary and broken, and when she meets God and tells him why she fled, instead of saving her, He says, “Go back.” He hears her weariness and pain, and He sends her immediately back to the place she’d run from. Not only that, but He sends her back without the promise that everything will be better. He doesn’t promise her safety or comfort or protection. He only promises her hope. After this encounter, Hagar ends up being the only person in the bible to give God a name: El Roi; the God Who Sees. Even without safety and even without rescue from her pain, for Hagar, it was enough that God rescued her in her pain. It was enough that God saw her and was with her. God himself, the one who Sees, is the rescue. Is that enough for me? Is that enough for you? This idea of rescue has changed the way that I pray, and the way that I hope, and the way that I look for God’s provision. I’ve battled severe anxiety for years, with the ebb and flow of good seasons and terrible ones. So many times, I have prayed and asked God to take it away and to heal me of it completely. I have been so encouraged and inspired by people to whom He has answered that same prayer with “yes.” I know that He could answer me that way, too. But for me, so far, his answer when I try to run from my anxiety and when I ask him to rescue me from it, is just what he said to Hagar: “Go back. Stay in it. Do the work.” Sometimes, His rescue in the pain of anxiety is relief, and a good night of sleep. Sometimes, it’s the help of a remarkable therapist to help me untangle what is true from the lies. Sometimes, it’s medication. But always, always, along with this relief, comes this: “I see you. I love you. I’m with you. There’s hope. There’s rest.” I used to think that what I was waiting for was a rescue from my pain. And what I’ve learned is that sometimes, God rescues me in it instead. He has become the God who sees me. But it’s still hard sometimes to hold on, isn’t it? Do I hold the confidence that God is in the business of rescuing me, even when I’m not taken out of the darkness? Do I believe that His presence and His seeing me is enough? Can I look around and point to the places of his faithfulness, even when that faithfulness doesn’t look like I expected? Can I still hold on, even when the suffering lingers beyond what I thought I could endure? Hagar’s belief and God’s faithfulness to her are a continual reminder to me that his kindness and faithfulness exist outside of what I imagine them to be, and looking back at God’s rescues in my life continually moves my eyes forward, expectant that He will be faithful and kind again. Is there a place in your life where you thought you needed to be rescued from your pain, and instead God rescued you in it? How does this impact your faith now, moving forward? How does looking behind equip you to hold onto hope, today? I’d love to hear! About the Author, Ashley Ward: Coach, storyteller, writer, mom, wife. Relentless believer in the kindness of Jesus. Equipping women to find agency and take action in their stories. Find her at ashleywardcoaching.com
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AuthorHi! I'm Brooke. Welcome to Sing O Barren One! I began this blog after years of unexplained infertility that resulted in five years of trying, four miscarriages, one daughter, and continued secondary infertility. While in seminary, I dove into scripture to help me make sense of my pain and struggle. What type of God would allow this? What I found there changed who I was, how I perceived my struggle, and most importantly my view of God. I wrote this blog as an outpouring of my grief and to joyfully share all that God has taught me. Archives
October 2020
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